Baby's Day Out (1994)

zero stars
Despite his '90s output, John Hughes will forever remain one of my favorite screenwriters. The guy knew how to write great dialogue. He viewed his teenage characters as complex individuals with strengths and weaknesses, dreams and insecurities. What happened? How did he go from Sixteen Candles to this? Baby's Day Out (1994) is his worst movie. Though he wasn't the director, he still wrote it and produced it, which meant he had enough input to take much of the blame for its failures. There is not a single redeemable aspect of the finished product. I didn't buy the premise. The characters are stupid. The soundtrack grates all the way to the bitter end. The special effects are substandard, which might be okay if the movie were any good as a live-action cartoon, but it isn't. The direction is appalling, though I'll give director Patrick Read Johnson a pass because he made Angus the following year. No, this is a John Hughes film, and its existence represents a low point in the revered writer's catalogue. His gifts to Gen X teens and children are still held in high esteem. Baby's Day Out is that lump of coal that accidentally fell into the stocking.

Battlefield Earth (2000)

★★½
Early in Battlefield Earth, the hero Jonnie Goodboy Tyler (Barry Pepper) thinks he's come across a monster and swings at it with a weapon he finds nearby. When he has a moment to get his bearings, he sees that it was only a lifeless structure. We recognize it as a dragon or dinosaur statue from a mini golf course, and his weapon was a golf club. Jonnie meets two hunters, who inform him of a great city nearby where the gods were frozen in their place during a conflict long ago. The hunters take Jonnie to the city to show him. They find one frozen god, who is just a stone statue. They go inside a building, where Jonnie sees more frozen gods and observes that they must have really angered someone to bring this horrible fate upon them. They are department store mannequins. This is not supposed to be a comedy, but the movie was trending in that direction. I realized this in the first 10 minutes, but I kept holding out hope that the script would settle down and deliver the serious science fiction action movie that the trailers promised. That never happened; the movie kept defying my expectations. Eventually I just gave in and enjoyed what I was watching because it was making me laugh. I saw this in the theater on its premiere weekend. I couldn't gauge the audience's reaction to this, but I'm certain everyone around me could gauge mine.

Bad Taste (1987)

★★
Before he made a name for himself internationally by adapting J.R.R. Tolkein's The Lord of the Rings novels into the beloved trilogy we know today, Peter Jackson was a splatter movie director who made the hilariously over-the-top gorefest Dead Alive (1992) and his debut film Bad Taste (1987). His first shot at mainstream success was the astonishing Heavenly Creatures (1994), but seven years before that, Jackson released this labor of love made with his friends and on a shoestring budget. Like George A. Romero, John Waters and David Lynch before him, Jackson came out swinging, and while he doesn't land every punch, he makes sure that the ones that do connect are adequate enough in quantity to make an impression. They do. While not an entirely successful film, Bad Taste is an admirable attempt to combine comedy and graphic violence in a way similar to what Re-Animator did before it.

Black Adam (2022)

★★
Black Adam, for all its bluster and spectacle, is just too ordinary. Its setup and execution offer few surprises, and Dwayne Johnson is becoming less interesting as the years go by. Once again we get the origin story, the introduction of the hero, the introduction of the supporting characters and the final battle between everyone involved. This can work, and it has worked many times, because the wide variety of comic book superheroes and their powers offers filmmakers enough material to give each entry a different look. Of course, the nature of the D.C. Extended Universe (D.C.E.U.) requires that many movies are made within close proximity to each other to capitalize on the opportunities for cross pollination while squeezing as many appearances as possible out of the actors before they age out of their roles, but this business model can give rise to a tendency to fall into redundancy. If Black Adam had been played by a different actor, then there might have been hope for a better movie, but Black Adam was played by Dwayne Johnson, who looks like he's just passing through from San Andreas to high-five everyone in the audience on his way to the next Jumanji sequel.

The Belko Experiment (2017)

★★★
The Belko Experiment invites comparisons to Battle Royale, but rather than let the similarities be a crutch, it runs wild with its premise. The combatants, arena, weapons and powerful overseers are different from the Japanese classic, but with that we get new possibilities for where this story could go. It's really no different than finishing a great television series and then wanting to repeat the experience but not watch the same show all over again. Loved watching the Roddenberry/Berman universe of Star Trek? Check out Babylon 5 or the Battlestar Galactica reboot to get your fix. Liked Chuck Norris's The Delta Force? Then you have to see Executive Decision. Do you want the same kind of suspense that comes with a war of attrition featuring a large cast that will eventually be whittled down to a few? The Belko Experiment delivers.

Bats (1999)

★
Bats is a lame nature-run-amok movie made worse by horrible supporting characters. Writer John Logan, who moved on to better things (much better things) in the years since this catastrophe, can be forgiven for trying to make an impression with his debut screenplay, which comes across as a mix between The Birds and Kingdom of the Spiders, but even if I grant him a wide berth for the mad scientist who is overly protective of his creation at the expense of the human population, I cannot do the same for his inclusion of a mouthy sidekick who grows more irritating as the story progresses. This movie has a lot of familiar elements of this genre, like the novice scientist minding her own business before she's recruited to solve a mystery, or the big climax featuring a town under attack by animals, but it does nothing new or interesting with them. The story unfolds in a very basic manner, with the only new visual being a cave full of waist-high guano (bat droppings).

Becoming Bond (2017)

★★½
I'm all for trying new ways to tell stories via the documentary format. Documentaries often work just fine with interview subjects and supporting footage, but a little innovation can go a long way in giving us a fresh look. Errol Morris masterfully introduced his Interrotron in Fast, Cheap & Out of Control, while Jonathan Caouette spent just over $200 to edit home movies together into Tarnation, a story about his mother's mental illness. Innovation can't happen without risk. That brings us to Josh Greenbaum's Becoming Bond, an informative (most of the time) and whimsical account of George Lazenby's brush with fame as the iconic British spy James Bond. Many fans and Bond historians revere Lazenby's On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969) as one of the best. Count me among them. It is also his only time starring as the character. He left for reasons made unclear when you consider the multiple sources of information already out there. That aside, the documentary is a little flimsy, trying to balance comedy and drama and sometimes succeeding, sometimes failing.

Bloodsport (1988)

★★
Bloodsport was my favorite movie coming out of high school. Jean-Claude Van Damme was at his box office peak in the mid-'90s, and his physique and fighting skills were a sight to behold. He didn’t quite have the muscle mass of Arnold Schwarzenegger, but he had more bulk than Chuck Norris, making him an atypical martial arts action star. Highly touted as a true story about the only American to win a secret tournament in Hong Kong, Bloodsport was based on the alleged exploits of Frank Dux, who told many disputed tales of his accomplishments both in martial arts and in the U.S. military. Whether his stories are true or not is no concern of mine. What is a concern is how the movie presents the story, and there are many glaring weaknesses that have become more apparent to me with the passage of time. That is the inevitable result of maturing and developing an ear for dialogue. The acting from the E.S.L. cast is horrendous. I've been all over the world. I've been to Hong Kong and Africa and the Middle East and Europe. I've conversed with many individuals whose second language was English, and they all sounded more natural than most of the actors here. The ability to recite lines is of paramount importance in motion picture storytelling outside of the silent era. Bloodsport fails to deliver because the producers hired the wrong people. It is as simple as that.

The Black Phone (2022)

★★★½
It didn't take long for Blumhouse Productions to redeem itself after the awful Firestarter. That was a cash grab, though its underwhelming box office performance showed that it failed as a cash grab as much as it failed as a horror movie. The Black Phone is serious horror. It's scary and original. It's based on a short story by Joe Hill, whose works I've never read, but if this movie is any indication, his imagination is just as rich as his father Stephen King. It's a ghost story and features a character with psychic powers, but it's largely about a child kidnapper with no supernatural powers but is still frightening just for his voice and personality. He's like a human Pennywise by feeding his need to terrorize children.

Bad Teacher (2011)

★
Navy ships have a form of self-defense called chaff. Upon sighting incoming missiles, the ship will fire chaff into the air and lure the missile into targeting it. Chaff can also be used to confuse enemy radar. Bad Teacher, a morally inept movie, launches chaff in the form of adult humor to distract from the fact that its main character is getting away with murder. Cameron Diaz's Elizabeth Halsey is a useless and self-absorbed teacher who isn't interested in providing her students with a quality education but would rather show them movies so that she can sleep off her hangover at her desk. Chaff is effective. This movie has some funny scenes that deflected my attempts to pierce through its defenses and see its shortcomings. Eventually the chaff supply runs out, leaving the movie's flaws exposed. Moving in for the kill, I was astonished by the story's disregard for Elizabeth's actions, making her out to be heroic and giving her a happy ending when she should have an ominous one.

Being John Malkovich (1999)

★★★★
Every moment in Being John Malkovich, from the opening scene featuring a puppet show all the way to its conclusion, is a revelation. Here is a movie that bursts with so much originality that writing about it fails to do it justice. I remember when I first saw it. Appropriately, a new theater had opened in downtown Reno, and I had already watched Dogma there not long before I saw this. It looked impressive, having been built along the Truckee River and featuring a large lobby with above average offerings at the concession stand. The seats were very comfortable. I read a few reviews for the movie prior to seeing it, but nothing could have prepared me for its creative outburst and imaginative premise. I cannot emphasize enough how thrilled I was to see this. It further cemented 1999's position as one of the strongest years for movies of all time. When it was over, all I could do was watch the credits in admiration and contemplate the fates of its characters.

Bad Lieutenant (1992)

★★★★
Characteristic of an Abel Ferrera film, Bad Lieutenant is a gritty, dark crime story featuring a cop who has completely succumbed to his demons. He prowls the streets looking for ways to indulge his terrible habits, whether it's hard drugs, gambling or sexual harassment. As far as he's concerned, he has nowhere to go but down. Any chance he might have had to save himself is gone. When the opportunity presents itself, he will steal from crime scenes to fuel his descent even further. With his mind in a constant state of disarray, the cop can barely hold himself together as he pivots between his latest investigation and visiting his associates to obtain the only thing that matters to him anymore. His family is a distant reminder of how things used to be for him, while his position as a lieutenant puts him in position to manipulate everyone for his personal gain. He hasn't been happy for years.

Brother (2001)

★★
Brother made such an insignificant impact on me that only a few hours after seeing it, I have forgotten huge portions of it. This is a movie that will likely slip out from under you like a banana peel. Takeshi Kitano, the writer and director, gives us very little information on the plot. We're supposed to admire his technique, you see. His method here, as in his dull 1997 effort Fireworks, is to pause the action so that we can study the characters, to figure out what they're thinking and to allow the scene to sink in, before he jolts us with sudden and shocking violence. After about a dozen or so scenes like this, I grew impatient.

The Batman (2022)

★★★½
Matt Reeves has a wonderfully creative mind. While a Batman reboot might normally be cause for alarm in this era of reboots, Reeve’s deft hand and clear vision guide this character into an exciting new direction. Clocking in at a sprawling 176 minutes, The Batman ditches any semblance of an origin story and gets straight to the point, much to our benefit. Rather than a protracted training and equipping sequence, the movie dives right into an intriguing narrative involving high-profile murders, police corruption, mobsters, detective work and a long-overdue appearance by The Riddler, who gets a serious upgrade from his previous incarnations. He’s meaner, more menacing and more threatening than he’s ever been.

Bumblebee (2018)

★★★½
After five mind-numbing Transformers movies by Michael Bay, we finally get the movie we should have gotten right from the get-go. Bay, a good director when he isn’t trying to create large-scale spectacles, thankfully steps aside and allows someone else to take the reins, which is the best thing he could have done for this franchise. Now, under the patient and sure-handed supervision of Travis Knight, the Transformers find themselves in a movie worthy of their passionate fanbase. Bumblebee, from a script by Christina Hodson, reboots the series, erasing the Bay universe from existence and gives us a fresh take on the longtime war on Cybertron. I can’t emphasize enough how much this movie needed to happen. I don’t dislike Michael Bay. Pain & Gain and especially 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi represent Bay at his best, and the upcoming Ambulance looks promising, but he was all wrong for the Transformers. He didn’t respect the material. Knight and Hodson, on the other hand, totally get it. Their movie is hopefully a positive sign of things to come.

Blast from the Past (1999)

★★★
Brendan Fraser was the lovable goofball of the '90s.  He had established himself as a light comedy actor who seemed bewildered at his surroundings.  He was really good at it too.  Through Encino Man and George of the Jungle and 1999's Blast from the Past, he became the go-to actor for these fish-out-of-water stories.  His willingness to take on these roles, some of which were downright silly, made him a dependable leading man for a specific kind of movie.

Beautiful Girls (1996)

★★★★

Paul Kirkwood (Michael Rapaport) sums up the movie's theme in one scene. His bedroom wall is covered with pinups of the most beautiful models upon which he has ever gazed. They represent the kind of person he would like to meet. He created for himself a set of ideals so grand that no one in his own hometown could qualify for his companionship. This mentality isn't limited to Paul. His buddies, in one way or another, have trouble relating to their closest female friends. They believe that somewhere out there, the right woman is waiting for them, and everything about her will be perfect. They fail to see the potential relationships just waiting for them right there in that snowy hamlet.